Don't Judge, I'm Trying...

I have always wanted to be a mom as long as I could remember. I now barely remember what it was like before I was covered in drool, making little people's drink and snacks before my own, remembering to shower myself after giving 3 baths, or going shopping for myself and ONLY myself. Jack was our first and he was (and is) so easy-going and obedient that I was quick to think that anyone who's child wasn't behaving was just a chump who had lack of discipline. I know, awful!

Then, along came Ryleigh Hazel. She is not a "bad" child by any means, but very different from Jack. She is very independent and loves to do things herself. With this quality comes a very strong will. She has been known to tell her teachers and parents "no" if she doesn't want to do something. She is also very shy towards strangers...to the point where she is VERY standoffish, to the point of borderline rude. I am always so embarrassed at the grocery store when she won't tell the sweet little old lady "hi" or "thank you" when she comments on how cute she is. What can I say? She is just her own person. I'm trying.

Another obstacle that came with more than one child was sibling rivalry! This is much worse than I remember it from my point of view as a child. Not only is it heartbreaking to see and watch your children physically hurt each other, or worse, say very hurtful things to each other. It can come out of the blue to ruin an otherwise great day or it can be a day-long event beginning the moment they roll out of bed. I have days where I shout and yell back at them, and then the days that I like to cement in my memory where I kept my cool and settled the matter in text-book style of perfect parenting. Yeah right! Like there is such a thing! But I'm trying.

Another dream came true for me this year as I was able to not return to teaching and be a stay-at-home mommy. This also has presented challenges that I didn't foresee. I want to teach Ryleigh, but I can't seem to do so in a structured, routine way...breastfeeding, naps, errands, etc seem to get in the way more days than not. I want to play with Ryleigh, but I also want to get chores done around the house so that I can relax part of nap time. I want to get out of the house, but I want to be home to soak up my babies. I want Jeremy to know that I have accomplished things and taken care of our household, but I also want him to acknowledge that I've invested in our children. I love being at home with Ryleigh and Henry, so I feel like I need extra time with Jack in the afternoon since he's been at school all day. Does he feel left out? Does he think I don't want to be with him all day? Will Ryleigh and Henry feel neglected if we have some alone time? I am always teetering between feeling guilty about one thing or another OR worse, if I'm "messing them up" some how. I'm trying.

I've been particularly convicted of our food choices. For about a period of a week, I got in the habit of offering the kids slice and bake cookies for dessert. Then, I got to the point where they could choose to bake both of them or eat one of them as dough and bake the other. Don't judge, I'm trying. SO, I wised up and made a granola snack bite recipe from pinterest. They are rolled in balls like cookie dough, but are made with no sugar or raw eggs! Oatmeal, peanut butter, honey, coconut, flaxseed, and any other mix ins that you want! I also started to buy more fruit for sides instead of chips. Lastly, I am taking advantage of the fact that my kids love raw veggies with dip for a snack. I know I should have known better, but I blame it on the fact that while working and being exhausted, I let us get into some pretty bad habits.

When all is said and done, I couldn't be more thankful for my challenges, new and old. I thank the Lord for blessing me three times over with my children, each unique and wonderful in their own way. I am thankful that I have a spouse that is an incredible dad and an incredible partner as we figure out this thing called parenting. I am most thankful this year that I am able to commit the time and effort that my family deserves. I know how difficult it is to juggle work and a family. Let me keep that in perspective when I begin to complain.

Thank you Lord for knowing my heart and that I am constantly trying to be better for my family. I thank you for grace in the mean time and for the friends and family that you have BLESSED me with that offer support and suggestions! Thank you Lord that you don't just try, you DO!